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I have always been fascinated by families whose children seem to be on a sort of unusual sequence, reaching the top of their career scales, or, even more interesting for me, flamboyant trails or according to their passions with spectacular results.
What have their parents did differently To empower them? What do researchers really know about what is effective in giving children the support they need to succeed? Since the brothers and sisters are often so different, what seemed to be useful in all areas?
For my book, “Family dynamics: a trip to the mysteries of the success of the brothers and sisters“I interviewed dozens of parents from Very successful children and interviewed much over 100 experts. As a mother of twin boys who are now adolescents, here is what I found most convincing.
1. Optimism is everything
You can provide all the enrichment in the world and encourage your child to Excel at schoolBut if they do not inquire a feeling of possibility, their academic forces can only take them so far.
I was amazed by the consistency of the perspectives of the parents I interviewed, who encouraged their children to think great, to feel hope and to remain positive.
Marilyn Holifield, one of the three brothers and sisters of Tallahassee, who became influential militants of civil rights, told me that the tacit motto in her house was “all possible”. And Amalia Murguia, who raised seven children in humble circumstances, several of whom have become national personalities (in philanthropy, civil rights and federal courts), would also say: “With the help of God, all things are possible”.
2. You must know your child and adapt your motivation approach to him
A fascinating study have shown that parents often do not know what to say when children say they don’t want to take math and science lessons that can be crucial for academic success.
The researchers followed by providing brochures and website links to help parents adapt their motivation approach to their own children. If their child wanted to be professional football players, for example, parents could say: “Oh, when you are a professional athlete, you must be able to stay at the top of your finances, which can be quite important on this salary scale.”
Tell children to focus on something practice will not inspire them. Instead, parents had to focus on what would make this learning precious for their children, depending on their interests. The SAT children’s scores whose parents used this approach (compared to the parents who were randomly assigned to control) ended up with math and science act scores which were 12% higher.
3. Understand that learning and empowerment can occur anywhere
A study It marked with me revealed that parents often underestimate how much their children are capable of – and how much they will learn by trying hard even in everyday tasks.
The experimenters gave 4 -year -old children in a children’s museum the opportunity to dress in hockey equipment to play, and some parents have recalled that children can learn by dressing. They sat down and let the child understand the different straps and how to put on the equipment, which they have done successfully.
Children are more capable of us than we think – and we know that when parents intervene, it was demotot, so we have to encourage self -sufficiency, rather than being afraid of the smallest struggles.
Jeannine Groff, the mother of an Olympian, award-winning and entrepreneurial novelist in series, showed me how she keeps all the plastic dishes and cups on the floor of the lower cabinet of her kitchen, so that her grandchildren can use.
Learning does not only occur puzzles and books; This happens in daily activities.
4. It is not only a hard work and a grain – a true love for knowledge is also important
Especially since the pandemic, development psychologists move from research on how to encourage hard work and research On how to promote a love of learning and deep curiosity.
So many parents that I wrote in my book seemed to think that the trip was a way of promoting this, and Some research supports what thinks. The Emanuals – three famous brothers who were at the top of the fields of entertainment, politicians and bioethics – said that their father believed “that he was absolutely necessary for an understanding of the world and themselves”.
I remember interviewed the parents of a set of incredible brothers and sisters for whom the trip was so important that they saved all year round for a big trip; And they brought two weeks of homemade snacks so that they would not have to pay for this on the road.
5. Motivate your children not by being a “coach”, but with love
What all these lessons have in common is that the parents I questioned brought love and the joy to help their children grow up. For the most part, they were there to support their children, but did not consider themselves their coaches and their criticisms.
Diane Paulus, the director of Broadway, danced the American Ballet Theater at a very young age, but the approach of her mother, for me personally, was an inspiring model. Her mother, she said, had a way to “look without desire”.
Our work consists in exposing our children to opportunities, knowing them well enough to motivate them with love, then let their own desires provide all the dynamism they need.
Owner of Susan worked for The New York Times Since 2007, first as a metro columnist, then as a editor for the magazine New York Times. In 2018, she was part of a team that won a Pulitzer Prize for the Public Service for her report on sexual harassment in the workplace, and her article on menopause in the magazine New York Times won a national magazine prize in 2024. She teaches journalism at the University of Yale and her new book “”Family dynamics: a trip to the mystery of the success of the brothers and sisters“Going out now. Follow her on Instagram @SUEDOMINUS.
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