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Inasmuch as relationship advisor With over 10 years of experience, I have learned that even the strongest couples face conflict. What sets emotionally intelligent couples apart is their ability to stay connected, even when they disagree.
I’m often more concerned about couples who never argue, because avoiding conflict altogether can hide unresolved hurts. After all, the closer you are, the more likely breakups are and how you handle them matters.
Here are three things emotionally intelligent couples do things differently when they are in conflict.
1. They don’t assume the worst about their partner’s intentions
We’ve all been there. A pointed comment can feel like an attack on your character. For example, you forget to respond and this is interpreted as indifference. A request for space could be misinterpreted as abandonment.
Research shows that when couples are distressed, they are more likely to interpret a partner’s behavior in a way that makes it intentional, fixed, and personal (“you did it”). This because you are that type of person”). Psychologists call this a “negative attribution bias.”
Before conflicts turn into defensiveness and character attacks, I offer my clients a simple exercise.
Write what you want to say. For example: “Why do you shut down every time I bring up something? » Then cross out each sentence that diagnoses your partner’s motivations (“you don’t care”, “you try to…”, “you always…”).
Next, try a crop. Write down the observable behavior, its impact on you, and a clear, actionable request: “When you remain silent in times like this, I begin to fill in the gaps on my own.
This is a great way to protect your relationship while still naming the problem and offering something constructive.
2. They take responsibility for their emotions and plan together how to regulate them
Emotionally intelligent couples don’t expect their partner to sort out their feelings, but they don’t exclude each other either. Having a partner present can help him stay regulated and connected, even when angry or frustrated.
Pausing during conflict is one of the most difficult skills. It’s hardest when you’re triggered and least able to access your tools. I often encourage couples to plan ahead with a “clean break” scenario, such as: “I need 20 minutes to not say something I’ll regret.” I will come back.
The follow-up matters as much as the pause. Couples can also use co-regulation, small ways to calm each other down: “Can we sit next to each other while we talk?” or “Can I have a hug first, then shall we move on?”
These strategies help partners stay connected while taking responsibility for their own emotions.
3. They remain curious, even during major conflicts
When people feel threatened, the brain loves shortcuts. Emotionally intelligent couples slow down this process and become, in effect, investigators of each other’s inner world.
Curiosity has been associated with more closeness and intimacy in conversations, especially during moments of disagreement.
Part of the reason curiosity disappears, whether after one, ten, or twenty years, is because we begin to live according to our assumptions. We tell ourselves that we already know what our partner meant, what they felt, and why they did it because the person in front of you is so familiar.
The problem is that once you think you already know the story, you stop learning about your partner’s actual experience. The conflict then becomes two competing narratives instead of a shared inquiry into what’s really going on, even when you disagree.
Instead of assuming the worst, the most emotionally intelligent couples will ask themselves questions like:
- “Can you help me understand what was going on for you?”
- “What did you hear me say?”
- “Which part of this seems most difficult?” »
- “What’s been on your mind lately that I haven’t asked?” »
- “What more do you want right now?” »
The strongest, most emotionally intelligent couples truly see who their partner is becoming, not who they want them to be or who they once were.
Baya Voce is a relationship expert who helps couples reconcile after conflict. She holds an MSW from Columbia University. She speaks regularly at SXSW, and her TEDx talk on loneliness has over 5 million views.
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