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I spent seven years studying very efficient students, interview hundreds of them and their families.
Many young people I met described tracking grades, rankings, and resumes as if they were constantly evaluating their worth. In some families, achievement took on outsized importance, leading some children to wonder whether their parents’ love was linked to their performance.
The culture of achievement promises to open doors, suggesting that better grades and better university degrees guarantee a better future. But a growing number of research shows that this relentless pursuit can breed perfectionism, a trait linked to higher rates of anxiety and depression.
So what can a parent do to protect themselves against this narrow view of success and self-esteem?
We can help young people turn their attention outward. When children go from “How am I?” » to “Where can I be helpful?” they develop a stronger identity, rooted in contribution rather than performance. Small, everyday ways of being helpful – helping a neighbor, relying on them at home, showing up on a team – can protect against this harmful self-rating and develop a stronger sense of self-worth.
When children anchor their efforts in something beyond themselves, daily stressors become more manageable. They stop believing that they are just a grade or a score and start to feel like a person who matters in the world. Here’s how to do it:
1. Help children notice the real needs around them
Recently, a woman told me she was walking to the park with her two young children when she saw their elderly neighbor raking his lawn. The neighbor rejected the woman’s offer of help, but she unloaded her children from the car anyway, and they grabbed rakes and piled leaves into bags.
The kids talked about it all afternoon: how happy their neighbor was, how much fun they were having, and how good it felt to be useful. They experienced what psychologists call “help euphoria” and a growing sense of agency.
To help children look beyond themselves, try questions like “What do you think she might need today?” » or “Who could use a helping hand right now?” Regular actions, such as checking on a neighbor, delivering a meal and volunteering, strengthen children’s sense of belonging in their community.
2. Integrate contribution into daily routines
One mother I interviewed stuck a sheet of paper with a short list of family chores on the front door. When her children came home from school, she asked them to sign the ones they could pick up that day.
Over time, these small commitments helped her children see themselves not only as kids who sometimes help, but also as contributors to their family.
This shift to an assistant identity is important. In a study of 149 children aged 3 to 6 years, researchers found that thanking children for “helping” rather than “helping” significantly increased their willingness to participate. They were motivated by the idea of becoming someone who helps.
Through studies, people who feel useful and connected show less stress and greater resilience, suggesting that contribution is protective.
3. Make the invisible work of care visible
Children learn generosity by watching us. But modeling alone is not enough. We must make our thinking visible.
When you visit a neighbor, bring soup to a sick friend, or help someone who seems overwhelmed, share the “why” behind your actions.
You might say, “I brought her some soup so she knows she’s not alone.” Or, you could explain: “He looked like he needed a hand with those bags” or “I texted him because I had a feeling today might be rough.” These little explanations give children a mental model of why we help and an internal script they can use themselves.
In a culture that too often reduces young people to what they achieve, helping them look outward is one of the most powerful antidotes we have against excessive pressure.
When young people discover ways to contribute that are not tied to external metrics, they gain a more grounded sense of who they are and the larger role they can play in the world.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace is an award-winning journalist and author of the New York Times best-selling book “Never enough: When the culture of achievement becomes toxic – and what we can do about it“. She lives in New York with her husband and three teenage children. You can follow her on Instagram @jenniferbrehenywallace.
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