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As a clinical psychologist, I it is often necessary warn customers to examine any sparks they feel a new romantic perspective.
You want to be excited about someone new and feel a deep connection with them. But many of us carry old wounds from our childhood, previous relationshipsor formative experiences.
If your past was chaotic, inconsistent and confusing, then you might be attracted to those same relational dynamics again and again. Here are five signs that the chemistry you’re feeling might actually be a red flag.
1. The relationship is putting a strain on you
In your past, if someone made you feel loved but also anxious, your nervous system learned that loving and fearing the same person was okay.
Mixed signals, hot and cold affection, and inconsistency can then feel intimate rather than anxiety-provoking. Excitement and anxiety are closely related emotions, so you feel nervous, but mistake that feeling for excitement and chemistry.
What to do: Slow down and notice how your body feels around this person. Does your nervous system stabilize when you are around them or are you always on edge? If it’s the latter, it may be a sign that the feeling you’re experiencing isn’t chemistry and that this person is putting you in danger.
2. Ups and downs are addictive
The emotional rollercoaster when someone moves away and the relief when they get closer can feel like a spark, especially if you’ve had a relationship dynamic like that in the past.
When you are stressed, your body releases hormones such as cortisolwhich activates reward and addiction pathways in your brain.
As a result, you can subconsciously push away that stress, conflict, unpredictability, and intensity because it gives your body a dose of the feel-good chemicals it needs.
What to do: Your body needs to learn to slow down and feel safe again. This can take the form of stretching, breathing, meditation, walks in nature, and reducing your workload.
3. You keep coming back to it
Being attracted to someone doesn’t always mean the chemistry is good. You may be unconsciously trying to control an old injury by re-enacting the pain.
You believe you can fix it this time. You might also recreate painful dynamics that mirror your past because you can predict what happens, giving you a false sense of control.
What to do: Self-reflection is important here. Does this person remind you of anything from your past? Therapy can provide you with a safe space to unpack your story.
4. Jealousy is exciting
When your partner is jealous, it can be empowering to be “wanted” by someone. If it seems exciting when your partner is jealous, it’s not chemistry, it’s your insecurity rearing its ugly head.
You might even do something on purpose to trigger their jealousy so that you feel closer to them or so that they can “prove” to you that you are wanted. In your mind, it might sound like, “If they choose me, then I’m finally good enough” or “If they pursue me, that means they love me enough.”
What to do: Work on yourself so that your validation comes from within and not from others. Remember who you are outside of the context of this relationship, and that you are already more than enough.
5. Things are never calm
A stable connection must be strong and secure. But if your nervous system is used to chaos, calm may seem boring or even uncomfortable.
You might find yourself thinking there’s no spark, then chasing the next thrill by creating tension, starting conflict, or even leaving the relationship. If you feel safe and you’re not used to it, in your mind it might sound like, “If I feel safe, I’ll let my guard down, but then I’ll get hurt.” »
The absence of spark does not mean there is no chemistry. This could simply mean that there is no anxiety.
What to do: Teach your body that it’s okay to feel calm. When you feel like creating conflict or seeking a thrill, stop and notice it. Then practice doing the opposite of your urges and waiting for them to go away.
Noticing patterns in your relationships is a great first step. Of course, you should always consult your doctor or therapist before making any significant changes. Understanding how to slow down and process your past can help you relearn what safety and consistency look like.
Dr. Amy Tran is a clinical psychologist. Her doctorate in child and adolescent psychology informs her work on attachment, relationships, and emotional security. She is a digital artist and author of “This book is a safe space.“Follow her on Instagram.
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